Missing
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Everytime I see a couple, I start wondering is it just me who never had good fate in love? How do people got in love so easily, how lucky are they to be around someone they love. Look at me, I never had a chance to be in that position, I wasnt able to imagine what its like to be in their shoes. Everytime I start to commit in a relationship, all the experience I got are rejection, betrayal and ghosting. Those experiences scare me. Every time I want to commit in a relationship, my memory flashback and little voice in my head keep telling me: "keep it for yourself, love is not made for you." I hate it so much. I just want to be normal πͺ
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I might say that this was a love at first sight for me since I first saw her I fell in love with her eyes and everything about her. Staying and chatting with her feel so right. Is it just me feeling this way about her? I would skip everything just to wait for her although we have only a little time to spend with each other. I am not so sure about myself if I could be a good or the right one for her, but I would still love to stay by her side and do everything just to make her happy. I was actually telling her how I feel by putting it into jokes. was it a good idea to do it? To be honest, this time I wanna ask her to be my GF, but I couldn't do it. I have no courage to do so. Why? because I'm scared of getting rejected that she might not feel the same way like I did.
There a big black hole inside of me which can't be fill. That empty part even myself can't complete it. U think having everything are happinese? No! I have and able to get what i want but if u ask am i happy yet? No i don't, Do i ask for more? Also, no i don't. I don't understand either why am i like this? I think everything seem to be enough for me but why am i feeling so empty? Why is it so dry?...... How long does this feeling going to last?.... I want to feel happinese too...
I thought I was special. Maybe not to anyone but to you in specifically and yet she was the one that you always have and going to choose. I have nothing to complain tho but it still strings me βtil these days.
This is my true story which I haven't told anyone beside one person... Let start from 2011, when I was 13 years old. I met a girl in my Chinese class, she was 2 years younger than me, she was a energetic, outgoing and have cheerful spirit. Our first met start by arguing with each other about her friend's table space (we were just kids XD). Then I start falling for her. However, I was overage mature, I started thinking that we both are too young, and we wont go far even if we start. Then I start suppressing my own feeling and start to feel dead inside and I became cold and speak less and less. 3 years later, we graduated from the Chinese school (Grade 9th). During the year, I also feel that she is also into me but I still think that we both were too young (at that time, I even imagined we both falling for each other and start a family, silly me XD) and slowly, I was pushing her away while I were hurting my own feeling. I planned to confess 2 years later if we both make it to the final graduated, but she dropped out and I were still hopelessly falling for her. I didn't let thing stop there, I started stalking on the social media but never have the courage to talk to her and slowly we became stranger. During the years, she started to falling into relationships and broke up over and over again, I saw her got her heart broken and it broke mine as well. How can you bear to see the person you fell in love with getting hurt again and again. Through that experience, she started to change, she started using bad words, drinking, going to club.etc. and she became a completely different person I once knew. I don't blame her for that, anyone would fall to that after got in to multiple toxic relationships. During that time, I used to told this story to my female friend and she promised me to keep it as secret and she did. That female friend also have a feeling for me but got rejected. How can you love other person when you got one deep down in the bottom of your heart. I know it hurts you alot, but please forgive me. I apologized from the bottom of my heart. I wish you met someone who would love you as much as a human heart can do. I dont want to intrude you with my story. Sorry again. Back to the story, at the time I'm writing all this, she is in her latest relationship and I wish her all the best, I hope this relationship will lead to marriage. I wish you would live a happy life. You don't deserve pain. I apologized for not being there when you suffered from all the pain you encountered. You have changed from the person I once knew to a completely different person. but my love for you won't change. Because of all that I can't fall in love easily, I start to fear the terms love. I shall put an end to this pathetic story, may be I should free myself from you and start to fall in love again (it wont the same as last time) but I will give my all in my next relationship, I wont let the person I love suffer the way we did. From the person who crushed you for 11 years... Have a good life.
It's 12 a.m., I'm staring at the lamp right above my bed, trying to think of a reason why i never receive back the same effort i put on anyone. I've been in a relationship many times, and never in one of these have i ever feel like I'm receiving love from my significant other. I'm either abandoned, ghosted, or being taking for granted. There are lots of things in my chest that i just want to scream it all out right now, but i couldn't. I really wish my current relationship would last, but it seems like I'm being ignore more and more from one day to another. I'm really tired, I just don't understand why you treated me this way after I've give you everything I can. To my gf, I really hope you're not the "good boy ain't fun" type of girl, because I'm almost fed up right now. So done that one day i would walk away and never wish to ever see you again. Please, be good to me. I deserved to love too.
Wherever you are, you will continue to shine like gold in my memories.
Your last text! Hi I have something to say.... I want to make something clear about something that I assume we both know.... i saw your video and i am pretty sure that I am the one who cause you to become like this... i am so sorry if the action that i express may lead to your wrong interpretation, that on my side. I want to make things clear as soon as I realize you don't think me just a friend, however it might ruin our friendship which i am not looking forward to.... you are a great person you deserve someone that truly for you, you don't need to wish that you were others.. you are great the way you are. You might not meet the one yet. But for a person like you, you deserve this whole world and someone that you truly deserve. I felt really guilty to be honest that we came to this point that you are suffering, effecting you mentally which I have never intended to..., i should have told you earlier than this... sorry but we could be no more than friends. If you don't mind I would be prefer if we remain just like before. I can not stand to see someone suffering because of me. this might hurt now but hopes it fade away as time goes by. Hope you understand and i hope i made things clear for both of our sides. Thank you for being the best supporter, helper, friends and adviser.