🐼 and I

After I got disappointed for many times until I decided to give up without any caring about him. He suddenly came to me and said "He has the same feel as me". It was a great moment for me after failing the confessions for many times. Start from that day, I can considered it as our first step being in relationships so in any special occasions like Valentine or Birthday or something, he is always in my first checklist. Normally, I am not kinda sweet girlfriend as the other girls but for sure all the things that I prepare for him, it comes from all of my efforts and from the bottom of my heart. From month to month, I feel like I am the only one who try to put effort in our relationship while he has no any action. And I start asking myself "Does he really love me? Does he really consider me as his girlfriend? If so, why don't he keep texting me? Does he want me to text him first as I used to be? Do I have to do this forever?" All the questions keep appearing in my brain. I am so tired with this relationship recently. I don't change my mind on him, I just can't put more effort to push myself to make this relationship go smoothly while I feel I am the only one who try my best to make this happen. πŸ₯ΊπŸ₯ΊπŸ₯Ί I can't find any solution instead of getting upset and thinking a lot at night alone. Miracle, please help turning him into another person of my dream πŸ₯ΊπŸ₯ΊπŸ₯Ί I really want our relationship to work well.

Feeling bottled up?

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!!

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Some of my point of view in these past few years for hiding from the reality.

Dope I am a kind of person that would build the walls instead of the bridge because I used to experience some trauma events in the past. [newLine*] [newLine*] They used to call me β€œ sensitive, dramatic, self victimized, stupid, etc.” And here I am, being a cold hearted person ever in my life. I don’t like the version of today’s me yet, I am still glad that it kinda makes me stronger and be more careful around my surroundings. Running away from my own feelings is one of my coping mechanisms since it is the best way to do so when it comes to expressing emotions. I wanted to open up and have the healthiest relationship with others but the dark inner part of me is still keep telling me that they will judge me in every possible way that they could also the people that I expect then to be will be leave me eventually anyway so instead of being my real self, I just show them what they wanted to see from me.[newLine*] [newLine*] Losing the ones that I love is also a tragic cause for my mental health too. My mom passed away since I was 6 years old and I hadn’t had the mother-daughter moments yet and it really broke my heart β€˜til nowadays. So instead of crying, I usually hide my true emotions and keep moving forward when I was still not healed from what broke me in the past. I used to held grudges, always get jealous when they got what I wanted, they have the best relationship with their families, they have a strong self confidence and many more. Very toxic person I could possibly find. [newLine*] [newLine*] But here I am, after all what I have been through both mentally and physically. A cold hearted b*tch also I am still keep finding out who I really am and what is my purpose of life. I still feel guilty when I hurt the ones that love me so, but nothing is permanent anyway so I’ll live the best of my life instead of pleasing other people. [newLine*] [newLine*]From, thyka. β™‘οΈŽ