2025-08-14
A unforgivable mistake
This is a story of mine. A story that I donβt tell anyone and never plan to but itβs been making me feel so heavy so, I decide to confess it here. Iβm a mentally ill person, since i was a kid (itβs a long long story). I didnβt get enough love and affection as i was a kid so since I became a teenager, i attach to people who give me affection easily. Long ago, i knew a man on internet. We started texting with each other until we fell in love. He was a really good guy. He loved me, always cared about me, checked up on me, helped me with everything, he was literally perfect plus heβs a good looking person, he was a man in every womenβs dream. He didnβt know about my mental state until we dated and it turned out he was also mentally ill, but my condition is worse than him. But things went so smooth, our relationship was super healthy and we were so deeply in love. After weβve been together for 1 year, thing started to happen, he started asking me to show him my body. I refused but heβd said I didnβt trust him or anything. So i showed him with the condition that there wonβt be a second time and he agreed. A few days later he asked me again, he convinced me and if I refused, heβd get upset after that. Thing went repeatedly. He asked me again and again and thereβs no the end of it. I loved him too much but doing something like that really made me feel so wrong and disgusted myself. I didnβt want our relationship to fall apart so i did as he told me to (i was stupid). Little did he know, i cried every time after showing him my body. A few months later, i felt like I couldnβt keep it going and going repeatedly like that anymore and i felt so wrong especially i felt like iβm a bad daughter and howβd my mom feel if she know that her daughter do something like that in such a young age. That night, he requested me again but then I refused and i told him iβm not gonna do it anymore, iβve done enough and I felt so wrong about it. But then he started forcing me. I started to cry but he didnβt change his mind and he promised it will be the last time. I was dumb enough to believe that so i showed him again while i was crying and mad at him. After he felt satisfied, he started to cry, he felt sorry for me and he said I couldnβt control his mind and it was so hard for him. After a month, i guess, he started to request me again and when i refused he always get upset and acted cold to me. I loved him so so much, i was afraid that our relationship was gonna fall apart so i do as he said but that time, he convinced me to masturbate myself. I did everything that he told me to. After one year and half of our relationship, the distance was started to grow between as. I was not a good girlfriend to him, being with a mentally ill person like me is so draining and he also had so much things to deal with, he was also suffering and he still tried to help me and comfort me. I fell into a deep depression that I started to think about committing suicide again. But then, we broke up for some complicate reasons that I canβt even understand. I was so attached to him, i did everything just for him to come back, I begged him and I couldnβt eat or do anything, i just cried and kept calling him over and over even he didnβt pick up. But at night, he picked up but we didnβt talk much since i only called him so i can ask him to be back. Until one night, he said he was still in love with me but i need to be strong, when I become strong, he will comeback, I believed him. We called for a few minutes for a few nights but during our call he always asked me to show him my body and masturbate myself. I thought doing it would make him stay and love me, i was so dumb that I sacrificed and gave him everything just to make him stay. A few days later, I felt like he doesnβt love me anymore because he was so fine, he didnβt care whether iβm okay or not, if i eat, if i cry, he didnβt care about me, he was just living his life normally. He ignored my texted and didnβt pick up my call the whole day until night time, he picked up and asked me to do thing as I mentioned above. One night, i asked him if he was still in love with me because his action showed that he was already fell out of love. βI donβt have any feelings for you since the day we broke up, i was just feel pity for you and afraid you were gonna do something harmful to yourselfβ, he responded. It really hurt my feelings, it was like someone stabbed me in the chest, I started to cry so hard and all he could say was sorry. I was literally so so depressed, i still texted him and called him after he said that to me (i was so thaok) but he didnβt respond or pick up. After a few weeks I started activating my social media account and acted like I got over it (I didnβt get any better actually). He texted me, i was less sad and asked him to fix thing but he refused again. Things kept happening until a month or 2 months (I forgot) I decided to stop asking to come back since he got a new gf already but i was still in love with him and think about him 24/7. And now, i still canβt get over him and i canβt bring myself to hate him either because he was so good to me even though he did hurt my feelings but he treated me like i was something special and a really important person to him. The only person i hate right now is myself. I hate myself so much, iβm so disgusting and i think I deserved everything that happened to me. Everything that happened in the past is haunting me, the more i get reminded of it, the more i hate myself. Even though i tried to get over it, to forget it, to start working on myself, to heal myself but none of it work. They say time will heal but actually, it doesnβt. I act like i moved on and happy because I donβt want my family and friends to worry about me. Theyβve been helping me a lot and i really appreciate it but it couldnβt help me somehow. Itβs all my faults, I know people will hate me if they know about this but what can i do to be forgiven. But how can i be forgiven by people when i canβt even forgive myselfβ¦
0