Toxic
My mental health is breaking down so is my mind. The cheerful me have gone and I wish I could have someone who stay by my side and tell me “Everything will be fine.” :)
Happy
My mental health is breaking down so is my mind. The cheerful me have gone and I wish I could have someone who stay by my side and tell me “Everything will be fine.” :)
This is a story of mine. A story that I don’t tell anyone and never plan to but it’s been making me feel so heavy so, I decide to confess it here. I’m a mentally ill person, since i was a kid (it’s a long long story). I didn’t get enough love and affection as i was a kid so since I became a teenager, i attach to people who give me affection easily. Long ago, i knew a man on internet. We started texting with each other until we fell in love. He was a really good guy. He loved me, always cared about me, checked up on me, helped me with everything, he was literally perfect plus he’s a good looking person, he was a man in every women’s dream. He didn’t know about my mental state until we dated and it turned out he was also mentally ill, but my condition is worse than him. But things went so smooth, our relationship was super healthy and we were so deeply in love. After we’ve been together for 1 year, thing started to happen, he started asking me to show him my body. I refused but he’d said I didn’t trust him or anything. So i showed him with the condition that there won’t be a second time and he agreed. A few days later he asked me again, he convinced me and if I refused, he’d get upset after that. Thing went repeatedly. He asked me again and again and there’s no the end of it. I loved him too much but doing something like that really made me feel so wrong and disgusted myself. I didn’t want our relationship to fall apart so i did as he told me to (i was stupid). Little did he know, i cried every time after showing him my body. A few months later, i felt like I couldn’t keep it going and going repeatedly like that anymore and i felt so wrong especially i felt like i’m a bad daughter and how’d my mom feel if she know that her daughter do something like that in such a young age. That night, he requested me again but then I refused and i told him i’m not gonna do it anymore, i’ve done enough and I felt so wrong about it. But then he started forcing me. I started to cry but he didn’t change his mind and he promised it will be the last time. I was dumb enough to believe that so i showed him again while i was crying and mad at him. After he felt satisfied, he started to cry, he felt sorry for me and he said I couldn’t control his mind and it was so hard for him. After a month, i guess, he started to request me again and when i refused he always get upset and acted cold to me. I loved him so so much, i was afraid that our relationship was gonna fall apart so i do as he said but that time, he convinced me to masturbate myself. I did everything that he told me to. After one year and half of our relationship, the distance was started to grow between as. I was not a good girlfriend to him, being with a mentally ill person like me is so draining and he also had so much things to deal with, he was also suffering and he still tried to help me and comfort me. I fell into a deep depression that I started to think about committing suicide again. But then, we broke up for some complicate reasons that I can’t even understand. I was so attached to him, i did everything just for him to come back, I begged him and I couldn’t eat or do anything, i just cried and kept calling him over and over even he didn’t pick up. But at night, he picked up but we didn’t talk much since i only called him so i can ask him to be back. Until one night, he said he was still in love with me but i need to be strong, when I become strong, he will comeback, I believed him. We called for a few minutes for a few nights but during our call he always asked me to show him my body and masturbate myself. I thought doing it would make him stay and love me, i was so dumb that I sacrificed and gave him everything just to make him stay. A few days later, I felt like he doesn’t love me anymore because he was so fine, he didn’t care whether i’m okay or not, if i eat, if i cry, he didn’t care about me, he was just living his life normally. He ignored my texted and didn’t pick up my call the whole day until night time, he picked up and asked me to do thing as I mentioned above. One night, i asked him if he was still in love with me because his action showed that he was already fell out of love. “I don’t have any feelings for you since the day we broke up, i was just feel pity for you and afraid you were gonna do something harmful to yourself”, he responded. It really hurt my feelings, it was like someone stabbed me in the chest, I started to cry so hard and all he could say was sorry. I was literally so so depressed, i still texted him and called him after he said that to me (i was so thaok) but he didn’t respond or pick up. After a few weeks I started activating my social media account and acted like I got over it (I didn’t get any better actually). He texted me, i was less sad and asked him to fix thing but he refused again. Things kept happening until a month or 2 months (I forgot) I decided to stop asking to come back since he got a new gf already but i was still in love with him and think about him 24/7. And now, i still can’t get over him and i can’t bring myself to hate him either because he was so good to me even though he did hurt my feelings but he treated me like i was something special and a really important person to him. The only person i hate right now is myself. I hate myself so much, i’m so disgusting and i think I deserved everything that happened to me. Everything that happened in the past is haunting me, the more i get reminded of it, the more i hate myself. Even though i tried to get over it, to forget it, to start working on myself, to heal myself but none of it work. They say time will heal but actually, it doesn’t. I act like i moved on and happy because I don’t want my family and friends to worry about me. They’ve been helping me a lot and i really appreciate it but it couldn’t help me somehow. It’s all my faults, I know people will hate me if they know about this but what can i do to be forgiven. But how can i be forgiven by people when i can’t even forgive myself…
Consider this a respond to #KJ0061 – as a fellow person with ADHD (side note: ADHD more common than you might think). ADHD is often not talked about here (our country) and more often than not, this neurodivergent behavior is misjudged for laziness and reckless. There are many forms of ADHD, but in my specific case, I often hyper fixate on things and lose feelings really fast. I can start a new hobby and forget about it the next day. I can place my keys somewhere and would lose it just as quickly. In class, it is very difficult to concentrate and online class isn’t making it any easier. I often find myself fall short when it comes to tasks such as organizing and planning. I would forget to bring even the simplest thing. I’m always running late for class, and falling behind on certain tasks. That doesn’t mean that I am unable to do anything just like the neurotypical (people with normal brain). It just take a lot more effort. Some of you will never understand how much effort it takes for a person with AHDH to bring everything to class, complete assignments on time and manage their time. It’s not impossible, but it takes us so much effort just to seem normal. I try my best to walk at the same pace as the neurotypical, but I’m sure many people with AHDH struggle more than me. If you’re reading this, be kind to people who you think might have ADHD. Maybe it’s not that they don’t try. Maybe it’s very, very, very hard for them to do the simplest things. Be understanding.
You were so easy to read because how you treat me is how you feel about me. From the very beginning to the very end, I never ask to reassure anything because you were always the one to show the efforts of keeping me. But now that I don’t receive that energy and efforts anymore, I kinda know that it’s the right time we both end it.
There was a guy that catch my eyes back then during my parent working trip at KPS since 2015. Our eyes catch while I was on my way down the stair and it keep bothering me for around one year and thanks god in 2017 I can forget it because I was busy studying for my BACII . I never thought that we could meet again but in 2018 I end up working in the same place with him until now. I use to be someone who good at controlling myself when it comes to feeling and always try to calm myself down for these few years but lately it seem to be out of control and I cannot stop thinking about him. He keep looking at me when we meet and when our eyes meet my heart keep racing. I always trying to avoid but the more I try the more we accidentally meet. I just don't know what to do now...it's so confusing.....
Thanks for letting me getting this out as this is something I can't normally share with my friends. I have been together with my boyfriend for almost 3 years. He's someone I can share everything with and someone I'm comfortable to be with. We are on the same page in term of life goals and other stuff. I have no eyes for anyone else or think about having choices because my life already suffered me enough and I love him. I long for someone who share the same passion and energy as I do and someone I can RELY on. My boyfriend is great but there are certain times that I feel like if something were to happen in the future, I'll be the one who has to take control. Those certain times and little things make me doubt if I can stay with him because I don't want to be unsatisfied after I'm married, right? I don't want to leave him but personality traits aren't something I can change. It's started to build up inside me and it affects my action towards him too. I feel like shit. ដូចគ្រប់គ្នាតែងនិយាយថាការហើយអត់សប្បាយចិត្តព្រោះប្តីឬប្រពន្ធពឹងពាក់មិនបាន. I don't want that. At first, you love each other unconditionally and as times goes by, you realize that there many things to look for. Love doesn't solve the problem.
“The World IS Just Awesome” sentence on his t shirt
I can say that i’m a girl who comes from one of the most honorable family. i have everything but love...? All i want is a man who loves me as who i am and not take me for granted, not take me for advantage especially not loving me for my money? All the boys that came into my life only saw my status, they thought it was cool to have me as an ex. And for those who have a crush on me, always say “ you’re like a moon and i’m just a rabbit” why cant you see me as a normal person? We’re all equal? I just want a love that lasts, i just want a good man to stick by my side through thick and thin, forget about the status and wealth. I’ve always been unlucky in love and friendship. I just want a pure bond, i never see myself above everyone, and i’m willing to take down my wealth if it’s a wall that part us.