Hi
it is late at night and I am thinking about u. How have u been so far ?? Is everything okay ?? Do you miss me like I do ??? Can we talk again ??? imy
I would have felt a little better if you could at least hear what I was talking:) #fromkid
it is late at night and I am thinking about u. How have u been so far ?? Is everything okay ?? Do you miss me like I do ??? Can we talk again ??? imy
I grew up in a very dysfunctional family. Even though it was very clear at a young age to me that mommy and daddy absolutely hated each other’s guts and only got married in the first place cause of my birth, they refused to divorce. “Staying together for the kids” is the absolute worst thing you can do to a child. Mom and dad, What did I do wrong?? my existence??? [newLine*]Personally, it effected my general self esteem and the way I formed and behaved in relationships for the rest of my life. I was diagnosed with PTSD, (yess PTSD) as growing up in a house that was literally a battlefield. I always blaming myself for being existing. I thought my family was normal. It wasn’t until i turned 15 when I had friends whom I would go visit and then I started seeing something completely different. My friends had normal parents. Before that, I thought a dysfunctional family was normal. I still suffer from anxiety to this day and self-esteem. My problems are a constant fear of getting too close to people, including friends. As I grew older I became more quiet. It’s effected my relationships and friendships to a point where I end up pushing people away. I like being alone where there’s complete silence and nothing can bother me. I think I came to this point due to growing up in my parents house and constantly hearing them scream at each other, doors slamming. My self-esteem problems are mostly from being ignored and neglected through out my early life. My parents whose were never involved with anything of my childhood despite us living in the same household. The cause of their arguments has always been about me, and still is to this day. My dad came home from work and fighting with my mom because of me, it became worse with age. I feel embarrassed or ashamed to even talk about this with my close friends. My family was of the type that everything happened behind closed doors and out in public. If I had friends come over, they became entirely different people in front of my friends. They could actually act right and tolerate each other when they had company- (why the hell can’t you be normal like that all the time?) For this reason, I never opened up and told my friends what happened in our house cause I feared they’d never believe me. It wasn’t until my early adult years, I finally opened up and started telling my friends what really going on at home but some of them told me that no matter what it is, they’re still my parents and they loves me but they don't seem to loves me nor even care about my feelings except for their own. I always want to get away from them and living my life without them. Sometimes when I opened up about it not because I want empathy nor attention but I just need someone who listen to me, listen to me without judging me. Don’t get me wrong I do appreciate my friends and understand that they’re just trying their best to comfort me.
I was born with the problem nothing they gonna stay by my side
I feel that every single day and I hate it. I hate myself for having that feeling when I'm supposed to feel so grateful for whatever I have right now. People around me are all so successful and smart and everything and I look like a clown by existing everyday. I freaking hate it.
It's okay for you to miss the person who hurt you, but it's not okay for you to let that person hurt you again. It's okay for you to talk to the person who doesn't deserve you, but it's not okay for you to give that person another chance. It's okay for you to think about the person who lied to you, but it's not okay for you to believe that person can be trusted. It's okay for you to be friends with the person who played you, but it's not okay for you to hope that this person is capable of being loyal. It's okay for you to be there for the person who made you more miserable than happy, but it's not okay for you to expect that it's gonna be different if nothing ever changed. It's okay for you to still care about the person who took you for granted, but it's not okay for you to put yourself back in a position for that person to make you feel unappreciated. Don't let someone who did you wrong make you feel like there's something wrong with you. Don't devalue yourself just because someone didn't know your value. Know your worth even when that person doesn't.
That is my very first kiss and that person is my best friend. I don’t know whether it is wrong or right but that kiss still stuck in my brain 🤧
Mak I’m sorry for my existence.I know I’m stupid ,useless ,and selfish. she always said that i only know how to dress up but never being helpful in the family. Everyday I study, I help her with the business , I drive around like crazy when she need helps. After school I look after all the kids inside the family, I help my aunt pick her kid up from school, I drive them to playground, I barely got time for myself. I always help her when I got time but at this point she still said that I’m useless ,do nothing but being lazy, know nothing stupid as always. I never even do make up , and she said I only know how to dress up.she used to ask me what grade I got I said I got A, maybe a week later she said that if you don’t want to study anymore just quit school alr without any reason. Bro my heart dropped,my mind stop I got no word to reply. All I can do is cried myself to sleep.
I find it funny considering that I always understood your needs but you never tried to understand mine. How does asking about something I wanted to know make me toxic? your words hurt me so much to the point I feel numbed already. Everyday I just feel like this piece of puzzle you just used to complete your needs. If you love according to your mood, then don’t. I deserve better.