Why HIM?
There are many men out there in this world Surly I haven’t met all kinds of men yet. I have found my type but I don’t see that type in many men yet. So why am I rushing myself into this? And the only question that keep running in my mind is Why HIM?- yes, I want him and I love him I can see myself that I’m not crazily fall in love with him which I used to but I can’t live without him as well. I hate that’s the person I’m in love right now is him cuz I know we can’t be more than just FRIENDS. From all these months we’ve been messaging, calling, are all caring as friends? Or more than that? YES, we flirted for fun but I can’t believe I’m the one who lost in this game that we both started. It seemed unfair to me, how can he sleep peacefully every single nights without feeling anything while I couldn’t sleep properly because my mind is thinking about him. The happiness feeling which made me feel so loved, special, the smile that I wear on my face while facing my phone’s screen, feeling someone is giving me the best comfort or comfortable hug which I thought it was gone and never comes back suddenly comes into my life. All because of who? - it’s HIM I hate how biggest role play he plays in my life without realizing anything.. like nth until I can’t lost him. I hate how his sweet words and action melt my heart into water. I hate how I am to him like an open book but for me I can’t even read his mind a bit I hate how every songs I’m listening to is always remind me about him. I hate how many articles I have read always related to our situation. I hate when I know we can’t be more than this and how many times I try to stop myself to fall for him but end up losing I hate how today he treated me like I’m a queen then tmr I’m just someone simple to him. Is it because of me? Am I the only one who fall for my own dream? Does he ever feel the way I do too? Is it my fault? Should I make a first move to get the answer or take a step back ? But HE- he’s really the one who I got inspired these days. Never ever I got/ know a man who can give me this positive energy before. They told me to finding a man who keep pushing you and making you improve for better. YES, I found that person, I found him but I can’t have him. I found someone who I’m about to lost in love way not friendship. The smile I have, all good feeling I have is from him but the painful feeling right now, a drop of smile on my face also because of him cuz I can’t feel that feeling anymore [ BABE ] I know we joke around calling each other like this. But I want us to keep calling each other like this as forever. One day someone will come into his life and replace me with this nickname, one day he’ll find his true [ BABE ] and takes care of his heart which I know that isn’t me but sometimes the little hope in my heart still think however I’m still here being happy for him to find somebody new and best for him. I miss him, miss the old vibe we used to be, am I being trapped by my own feelings/ game I have set for myself again? Having crush is ok and fun not until you truly love someone too much and for real. And for me this situation isn’t having a crush this what we called, right person wrong time. Or I can say right person wrong situation. I swear to myself that I won’t end up in this kind of love situation again but look? Why the boys that I fall in this situation always the nice guys. This situation is harder than having a crush on someone and the feeling I have for men in this situation is much much stronger and it just hits different. I still remembered how much time I had to move on from that old person, even after years he’s still the one who I remember and he lives free in my heart. And now look at who coming again. Same way, same feeling but this one is stronger. He actually being the same way as the old person. How he drives me crazy, how much he make me fall in love everyday. Are we gonna end our relationship like I did with that old person? By stop messaging anyone? It’s hurt. There’s only one thing both of them don’t have in common is everyone knows/ sus on me with old person but between me and him no one noticed it yet unless I told people.