Toxic

I’m clingy, moody, insecure, have trust issues, self doubt, and lots of mental breakdown, which people categorize me as “toxic”. I’m trying to change. I really do, because I’m not feeling fine and happy with all those toxic traits too. I stay up every night questioning my own worth and existing. I don’t know why am I like this. And I thought, you would stay. I thought, you were different. I thought, you would wait for me to heal. Eventually, it was all my thought. Don’t take this wrong. I’m not blaming you. I was just hoping you stayed. I hope it was you who would have been there for me, but you have never been there with me on my bad days, not even once. I’m too much to be handled. I always know.[newLine*]Let’s be honest with me one last time, what is your feeling for me the last few months we talked? Did your feeling fade away? Was it not strong? From the start? Or from when I started to show you my true self? My dark side? [newLine*] I miss you, a lot. However, I know being with me is too tiring for people, I love you so much that I don’t want you to suffer with someone like me. I hope you’re with someone better, healthier, happier. Someone who loves life, someone who will match your energy, someone who is normal.

Feeling bottled up?

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Maybe i'm happy, maybe not.

I've had several relationships. They are of different life lessons. But good or bad? Honestly, I don't know. Few years now, I've had my eyes on someone. Talked once, wasn't really a conversation. Friends told me to go for it, but in my mind I just feel like there's no chance. Somehow this one-side, distanced love doesn't make me sad or depressing. Nor happy. I feel like knowing that she exists is good enough for me to live my life. I don't know if years ahead I still feel the same. Maybe this is selfish, maybe this is me settling down, maybe not, I don't know.

Doubt

Girl! You do experience and have a long lasting realtionship but how could you do this to me? Remember when there is stranger who try to talk to your man. You act up and blow it on social media about how disspoainted, sad, anger and how much you hate or dislike girl who behave like this. Then how should i react? When it is just a one time meeting but you try to stick around, try to fit in to the circle. I know it is just about friendliness, you have it toward me too. However, I got driven away and you got a place to stand. Not just a place you found one for your friend too. That is how I got repalced. I don’t know how to feel or react. How could I being treated like this? And You too girl! I do know love can’t be forced but I can’t make myself believe that you are not related in this. Even if it was just a one time gather but you sure know the history of me and that person. Then why do you still let one of your ally in? Standing in my place? I mean if there is no you or just don’t be too friendly or just stay in your circle maybe thing won’t turn out like this. I just feel so stupid or maybe I am one. That why even after you saw me, knew everything you still find a place for her because I am just something that is already thrown away anyway and that space is empty so it got to have a replacement? I mean don’t you understand what attachment is? Or am I a narrow minded who still dwell about the past? What if you were me can you stand and watch calmly without anxious, curiosity and wonder how could it happen if you are not between it? But I am happy for you. You don’t have to imagine yourself in this situation because you got a good person by your side! Still how could you take my good person for your alliance? I felt so insecure, regret of open up and afraid of getting to know new people. But maybe I shouldn’t feel like that anymore becuase now I got nothing else to lose.

I think I started to have a crush on my friend.

We’ve been hanging out together about 4 years now but he and I never think of anything more than friend. I like to tease him sometimes before about being in relationship but it doesn’t mean I have that kind of feeling with him and I think he feel annoyed about me teasing him but who care lol. For some reasons, I think he’s really hate me at some points because I’m kinda immature and of course annoying and always mad and yes he never ទ្រ me because why would he care if I’m mad? Lol. However, we both still talking and still friend. It just this recently (read the title), just maybe, let’s just put it like this. I don’t think he has feeling for me because he doesn’t really care about me and doesn’t really care to reply to my text for all these years only if he wants to. He probably chat with others because I used to caught him. Or he probably study. He’s smarter than me too. But well even if he also has feeling for me I’m not sure whether it’s possible for us to date too due to some reasons which also include my knowledge, I think, because I’m not as smart as him. And other reasons.

Love and hatred?

Don't hate someone because they don't love you or leave you. Let's clear all the hatred, and replay all the moment that you are laughing, smile and loved. You need to know and understand yourself, Do you want her smile or her tear? Do you want her to be happy without you or it need to be you?

Have you met the one who is "better" that your friends always said "You deserve better" yet?

Been in many toxic relationships. Been as a please person. Been loving controller, narcissist, and who doesn't value my love for them. I'm tired but they said "Keep being nice, loyal, and faithful in relationship and soon you will find someone you deserve". So have you found her/him yet? Would you stop being faithful cause of how you been treated? Or wait until the "better" one coming?

Time to rest

I have been keeping many problems inside of me, not because I have no one,but there are many people who take care on me, always check up. The point I just want them live their happiness and I don't trust many people to speak out. People thought I'm fine I'm so strong, but I can't stop my tear when my soul mate hit the point. I tried to say "Oh I'm good, I'm fine". Sometimes, I disappear on social media also I stop connecting with friends, close people. Sorry for doing this, I need time to rest. Healing... Disconnected- may the happiness to my people.

A point where ......

I reached a point where love is not that necessary to me. Idk, i feel like I'm waiting for something yet i don't even know what it is. (my kiddo back from UK, or Angel falling from a sky ? or That kretttt Sound from ATM?) seeing people i know going through from one relationship to another one- sometime i feel like i'm just a NPC in a game. i don't have to feel, whatsoever... just be there and stand still. Someone said to me " if you really love something, beside of scare being hurt- you should go for it like you used to." - it's not like i don't want to, It's just people take you for granted for so long and you tend to lose a soft spot for them and that SXXT traumatized you. To all people who like me ~ i hope you take it easy on people who want to be with you - idk give them a chance and try be reasonable with them. (esp: cancer sign woman: They are the purest people i know (alot of them but not all) - if they love you- trust me- Even godzilla can't do anything to you) All they want is just being with you ! Btw, Go stream BIGBANG- Still life ~ Thank you 🔥🤍

Do you hate me that much to remove even a small trace of me?

I knew all along that you probably hate me but I never realize you would hate me that much. I'm sorry for still thinking of you after all these years. Just so you know, it was never easy for me and I suffered just as much as you did. Years passed, I thought we're on good term and that's why I always have a soft spot for you but I was wrong after all. I'm sorry; I'll never leave a trace of me anywhere in your life anymore. Live well and be happy !