I think it hits me again…

I think the dep hits me again. I noticed by when my heartbeat started to go fast, sometimes I feel suffocated, I couldn’t catch my breath, I couldn’t concentrate, my hands get shaky, my body feel weak, I got lost of interest in making any decisions, my weight started to lost again. I hate to fall into the conditions but I couldn’t help. I tried asking for help but it doesn’t work, it only makes me feel like I’m different, especially when they try to be too careful with me (it looks to fake, I could see it) It is amazing how my mood changes too quickly, I was just laughing and talking a lot yesterday, but today everything become a sorrow story again. I used to think of getting a therapist, asking an expert on my conditions, but the fact that I was under control by my family and that I couldn’t ride or drive any transportation method at all, make me feel even more bad and useless. I also used to think about reaching them via email or phone calls, but I was too scared, it was too hard for me to make myself do it, so I decided I gave up seeking for mental specialist. I chose to be healed by my own. (I really did heal myself but there was a lot of time the demon hits me back and forth, sometimes I feel really happy and the next minutes I feel like k*lling myself) I don’t know what else should I do. Are there anyone who will be the light for me?

Feeling bottled up?

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Til The Day We Close The Gap Between Us (Long Distance Friendship)

We all wished to have been born in another country than the one we have gotten. Regretfully we cannot control our fate. However, we are individuals with free will, and it is up to us to do whatever it takes to rightfully get to a country that we wish to have been born in. Here is my story: I felt the love for another person’s country and the warmth embrace of two lovely girls all the way in Northern Europe from my cozy and comfortable room in Cambodia. I met them through a mutual friend/family of mine in the summer of 2021, whom agreed to connect me with my soon-to be friends virtually to discuss on studying abroad. Right from that moment that we were connected, I felt that I was supposed to meet you. The memories and feelings that blossomed as we talked and called on our phones about 9,000 km apart still makes my heart smile as I am writing this confession now. The laughters and jokes that we shared those late nights still makes my heart palpitated just by thought of it. From the moment I expressed my love and appreciation for your country, the interest in pursuing a graduate level study in your country, and the admiration for the language of your people, you have been nothing but supportive, warmth and friendly in the cause for my struggle. You have brought peace and calmness throughout this long journey of mine. Most importantly, for every time that we talked you expects to see and awaits my arrival. For that I am 🥹 grateful, I cannot wait to close the gaps between us.

I see forever in your eyes, I feel okay when I see you smile, smile

I know we both had a hard time. I am sorry for everything that I had done. Wish I could turn back time to the good old days. Wish everything could turn back to day we laugh together at stupid things. I know you might not be to move on now. It broke me into pieces knowing that you've been crying because of me. The more I think of how much you've been hurting, the more I hated myself. I will always love you. I hope one day, I'm not sure when but I hope it's soon, we will be back to where we were. Continue where we paused and start all over again with stronger deeper connection. And I see ....

It’s not your fault.

Your story #KJ0010 changed my mind towards the term “ depressed ”. I felt like the you’re grieving and may even blame yourself for what happened. But I want you to know that it’s not your fault. You’re only human. You loved her the best way you knew how. You’re part of the legacy her left behind. The pain that you’re experiencing in her absence speaks volumes of how deeply you cherished her (and still do). And every moment you choose to live fully and love deeply, you bring a beautiful part of her back to life. Good luck on your path❤️ It's strange though, when I used to think of a "depressed" individual I stereotyped everyone into one mass of sad but i changed my mind after I knew the term “smiling depression” in other words is “high-functioning depression”. What I leaned from it is that the one who is always outgoing, most bubbly, smiling face, telling jokes and happy is the one who most likely to struggling with it. Outwardly, they do not seem to have a reason to be sad, they greet people with a smile, and may even be capable of carrying out pleasant conversations. However, on the inside, they feel down and hopeless, internally struggle day to day and sometimes, may even contemplate suic!d€. I highly recommend you listen to this podcast. https://youtu.be/N3-L7G5mImQ

Maybe in another life, where fate wouldn't be as cruel.

Have you ever seen couples whose have healthy relationships that meant together, would have happily ever after but out of sudden decided to go to separate way yet still loves each other?. Until these days I have seen a lot of couples that break up because of incompatibility. Not until it happened to my sister and I started to question that “Is there as such a thing as right person at the wrong time?”. Meeting the right person at the wrong time can be life changing when it doesn’t work out the way we desire. It’s harsh to accept but I wish that they would have a happy ending. Seeing them from strangers to friends to lovers, then strangers again, I just hope the cycle brings their souls together one last time.

What are we?

I always ask myself, who are you to me? We are close than friend but not in relationship. I am pretty sure that you know how I feel for you. So, please give me an answer. It isn’t fun staying in such dilemma.

What is forever?

What does it mean when someone used to promise that we will be forever together. But then how long is that forever? Maybe I define it wrongly by myself….. his meaning of forever is different from mine…… Maybe I’m too dumb to believe in such words, such promise.

Am I falling in love with him ?

I've first known him when we were studying French in the same class, we're also studying at the same university and we haven't contacted or talked to each other. One day while the teacher called him and he didn't reply , that's the reason that I chatted to him by Telegram to inform him that " Madame call u xd , why didn't u reply ? ". After that , we were in touch with each other ask and chatted to each other, I also ask for his FB account. Moreover, I also chatted with him by Messenger and talked to each other for several topics but not so frequency or everytime. I've known that he's a quiet person because of his character and his FB account and I really knew that kind of this person! We always share something to each other and ask about each other's daily life. In addition, we absolutely would like to share some informations of scholarships, subjects or exercises. I think I was so surprised because we want to take the same major and have the same plan ! But I haven't known myself that when I chatted with him , I am so warmly heart and feel so good even if he chatted to me not the long text ! At first I didn't know about this feeling because I've just known him as classmate and schoolmate and we haven't met each other before by this pandemic situation ( school was closed since the first day of started day of school ). Finally, I've just realized that I have a mood on him ( crush on him ) but I haven't shown this to him because I think I could lose this friendship ):

from j to k

I may be not lucky to meet a right person, but I’ll try to be a right one… a right one for you. Even though you can’t love me back, but I hope you can see my worth and appreciate all my attention that I have for only you. And one more thing, if you’re tired of me, just tell me and I promise I’ll never bother you again. It may be painful at first but yeah I have to accept the truth anyway.